Saturday, June 23, 2018
It's Been Awhile
It's been awhile since I've posted on my blog. I have gone through a lot in the past 2 years. Sometimes life throws you some curves and you just have to do the best you can to get through. I have been out of work now since July 2017. During this time I have had a number of medical issues come about. Mostly nerve issues, for which the Dr. is sending me to a pain management clinic. I will admit that I'm not sure how I feel about it, I guess I will just have to wait and see if they can help. Aside from that, I will leave it in Gods capable hands. I know that we have a tendency to try and control things when we are in pain. But, God is the only one who can truly fix the problems that I have. I know that I am saved By Grace Through Faith. So, I will deal with the things that I can change and just let go of the things that I cannot.
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Sunday, August 14, 2016
Sick &Tired
*I'm sick & tired of people who feel entitled. Unfortunately, some of them are members of my family. It is also unfortunate but I find that to some extent I am to blame. When you raise a child you have hopes and dreams for them. I don't mean that you expect them to grow up and be a doctor just because you wanted them to. I mean you, hope and you pray that they will grow up to be well-adjusted productive members of society, who treat others the way they would like to be treated and always take responsibility for their actions.
*However, I know that I'm not alone. I know there are many parents out there that feel the same way that I do. Who, without a manual to guide them through the murky waters of child rearing, they have made mistakes. By the time those mistakes are realized, the child is grown and it is too late to go back and fix them.
*I wish with all my heart that I could. That I could start over with the knowledge and understanding that I now have. To do the things I should have done. To handle situations that arose differently. But it is not an option that we parents are afforded.
*I'm sick & tired of watching a child that I raised sherk responsibilities, lay blame on others, and treat those who have always treated them better than they truly deserved like they are disposible. I'm sad to know that I had a hand in creating an individual who has turned out in many ways to be exactly the opposite of the little child I once held, cuddled, sang to and rocked to sleep. I remember that child. I remember thinking how special this little person was and how special they were going to be. Only to see that today they are more concerned with what works for them. With what they get out of any given situation. Never mind whether someone else is driven into the ground in the process or if that person has to do without. If it gets them what they want or (think) they need, that's all that matters.
*To have this person who was grown within your own body, carried for 9mths and nutured to the best of your knowledge and ability, treat you with disrespect and distain, not speak to you even to say hello, and have the nerve to criticize you and the way you live and the choices you make is about as much as any mother can take.
*I'm done. Yes, a mothers love is unconditional. Your child doesn't have to love you. It's a free country. But, I will no longer sit around and watch as my child treats me or anyone else with disrespect. I will always love my children. No matter what. However, I will not make excuses for them. I know that at the very core they were given love and guidance and their every true basic need was met and more. I am no longer responsible for their actions. A parent gives their child those basics but it is their responsible to accept responsibility for becoming the person they are as an adult. To stop whining about what mommy & daddy, or life, or the government didn't give you. And make something of yourself, even if that is simply a good & kind & caring person who treats people with respect and takes responsibility for what it is. There is no entitlement. The world doesn't owe you and neither do I.
* So, I'm done with it all. All the drama, any guilt. I accept responsibilty for bringing them into this world and doing the best I could, for making common parenting mistakes(like not spanking and listening to idiots who called themselves experts) but that is as far as I can go. I'm done~
One heartbroken parent
Friday, March 29, 2013
Thank You
So, it's been awhile since I've written. I have had so many changes going on in my life. But, I am headed down the right path, the straight and narrow, the road less traveled. I am so greatful for the help and support that I have received from my family and friends. It has been a rough road from Dec. 2012 to April 2013.
My family has been soooooo supportive. They have been the force that has kept me sane. My mother who has never once questioned my decisions, but has allowed me to live and learn from my mistakes. My daughter and my son who hugged me while I cried. My friends who have tolerated my rantings, as well as my sobbing mumbling.
I am thankful for the company that hired me. Because it was going to work for this company that allowed me to seek some counsel at no cost to me, when I didnt have a penny to my name. I am thankful that I was able to buy a car ( the car I have been dreaming about for quite awhile).
I am thankful that I have been offered a position at another company at more pay and full time hours as well as benefits. I am thankful that my credit is slowly getting restored so that I can look forward to buying a home for myself and my dog Bentley. I have never really been on my own before. As much as I wish things had turned out differently in S. Carolina, I am ready to move on without a man in my life. I have not gotten over or forgotten what has occurred in my past but with the grace of God, His love and direction I can move forward.
I am looking forward to being about to decorate my place the way I want. To doing as much volunteer work as I want without someone feeling like I'm not spending enough time with them. I am looking forward to getting myself involved in a new church life. Working on my Counseling Studies again. To doing the very best job that I can with this new company. To saving up money for escrow and for restoring my credit. To helping my mom get her house fixed up and maybe even bringing her to life with me, so we could sell it and give her something more to live on besides her retirement.
I would just like to thank everyone who has made getting past a very dark time in my life a little bit easier to deal with.
THANK YOU, you all know who you are!!!!
My family has been soooooo supportive. They have been the force that has kept me sane. My mother who has never once questioned my decisions, but has allowed me to live and learn from my mistakes. My daughter and my son who hugged me while I cried. My friends who have tolerated my rantings, as well as my sobbing mumbling.
I am thankful for the company that hired me. Because it was going to work for this company that allowed me to seek some counsel at no cost to me, when I didnt have a penny to my name. I am thankful that I was able to buy a car ( the car I have been dreaming about for quite awhile).
I am thankful that I have been offered a position at another company at more pay and full time hours as well as benefits. I am thankful that my credit is slowly getting restored so that I can look forward to buying a home for myself and my dog Bentley. I have never really been on my own before. As much as I wish things had turned out differently in S. Carolina, I am ready to move on without a man in my life. I have not gotten over or forgotten what has occurred in my past but with the grace of God, His love and direction I can move forward.
I am looking forward to being about to decorate my place the way I want. To doing as much volunteer work as I want without someone feeling like I'm not spending enough time with them. I am looking forward to getting myself involved in a new church life. Working on my Counseling Studies again. To doing the very best job that I can with this new company. To saving up money for escrow and for restoring my credit. To helping my mom get her house fixed up and maybe even bringing her to life with me, so we could sell it and give her something more to live on besides her retirement.
I would just like to thank everyone who has made getting past a very dark time in my life a little bit easier to deal with.
THANK YOU, you all know who you are!!!!
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Moving On
Sometimes in life we are rolling along, thinking everything is fine. When out of the clear blue sky someone knocks you don't. Well, that happened to me recently. It was someone that I never in a million years would have thought could possibly do that to me. Someone I loved so very very much. And still do.
I thought I had found the perfect man. Not that he was perfect, of course no one is. But, a man that I could love and trust and grow old with. Someone who had been through a very difficult time in his life as well as I had. I thought when he told me he loved. When he said that it was Forever and Always, that he meant it. Someone that I gave myself to completely.
Then one day he came to me and said, I want to be single, I want to be free......
My world came crashing down around me, I couldn't see how I could possibly live. I couldn't imagine living without this man in my life. I wanted desperately to know why. I wanted desperately to understand what had changed, what I had done or not done that would make him say he didn't love me.
But, he would not be open with me, he would not stand up and be a man, He would not give an explination. He sent me away. He paid for me to return to my previous home. He sent me back to my family. He sent me away so fast that I didn't even have time to decide what my options were.
I miss my home, cuz thats where I feel like home is. I miss the beach. I miss hime.
But, life goes on. The sun rises, the sun sets. The hands on the clock keep going around. We put one foot in front of the other and keep on moving through our days.
Although right now, I am still totally in shock over what happened. I really find it so hard to believe that he could act the way he did. Someone that I knew to be so caring, in a heartbeat turned into someone who didn't care at all.
I will spend the rest of my life not understanding how someone could make me believe how much they loved me and then not. In the meantime, I will try to bring myself some peace, Try to put my life back together again as best I can. I know that it will be a long time (if ever) before I can ever try to trust anyone again. I the meantime, I will put ALL of trust in God. I know that as long as I keep Him in the center of my life I will survive. I will mend. I will be right where He wants me to be. And one day maybe, He will send me someone to love, someone to trust, someone to grow old with.
I thought I had found the perfect man. Not that he was perfect, of course no one is. But, a man that I could love and trust and grow old with. Someone who had been through a very difficult time in his life as well as I had. I thought when he told me he loved. When he said that it was Forever and Always, that he meant it. Someone that I gave myself to completely.
Then one day he came to me and said, I want to be single, I want to be free......
My world came crashing down around me, I couldn't see how I could possibly live. I couldn't imagine living without this man in my life. I wanted desperately to know why. I wanted desperately to understand what had changed, what I had done or not done that would make him say he didn't love me.
But, he would not be open with me, he would not stand up and be a man, He would not give an explination. He sent me away. He paid for me to return to my previous home. He sent me back to my family. He sent me away so fast that I didn't even have time to decide what my options were.
I miss my home, cuz thats where I feel like home is. I miss the beach. I miss hime.
But, life goes on. The sun rises, the sun sets. The hands on the clock keep going around. We put one foot in front of the other and keep on moving through our days.
Although right now, I am still totally in shock over what happened. I really find it so hard to believe that he could act the way he did. Someone that I knew to be so caring, in a heartbeat turned into someone who didn't care at all.
I will spend the rest of my life not understanding how someone could make me believe how much they loved me and then not. In the meantime, I will try to bring myself some peace, Try to put my life back together again as best I can. I know that it will be a long time (if ever) before I can ever try to trust anyone again. I the meantime, I will put ALL of trust in God. I know that as long as I keep Him in the center of my life I will survive. I will mend. I will be right where He wants me to be. And one day maybe, He will send me someone to love, someone to trust, someone to grow old with.
Friday, November 9, 2012
How many times have you heard the words....Today is the first day of the rest of your life ??
Well, aside from the inarguable fact that this is true, unless you should meet your end before the actual end of the day. We hear it but do we believe it?
But, I'm thinking a little differently today. Yes, today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I need to make it count. As do each one of us. It is so easy to just give up hope. To become depressed and distraught over the events taking place around us. We have seen disasters such as the super storm Sandy that devistated so many people, in such a large portion of the country. Elections that don't go the way that we would want them to go. When you lose your job due to lay offs. When uneployment issues arise in your claim and cause delays.
I have been through a few of these things lately and yes it makes you want to say "When it rains, it pours". But, what I know that I need to remember, is that each of these things only happens for a moment. When you look at them on the great big scale of time. Things happening may seem to drag on for us. But for God it is but the blink of an eye. So, if we look at these things knowing that God is in control of all that is around us, in the bigger picture, than we can see a light at the end of the tunnel. It may be a long tunnel, but there is an end. We need to ask God to help us to reach that end and to show us what WE can do to make it there sooner. It seems that we always want to know WHY? But, sometimes it's not for us to know. Because we all live together on this great big blue marble they call Earth, our lives are intertwined. We may not be able to see it, but it's there. We don't know why we are in this place at the moment. We don't know what He is planning for us up ahead. We tend to only see what is happening around us and then wallow in it. Have you felt that you were unable to do anything to change your circumstances and therefore, just sort of given up?
The other day I was driving down the road and I felt the Lord speaking to me. At least I hope that was the Lord, lol. I was thinking about prayer and how each of us has something different to pray for. Whether it is for ourselves, family or friends...whether it is for help, wisdom or strength.... Whether it is for something in our neighborhood, in another state or even another country. I started to think about how we a like the sands on the beach, the stars in the sky; how he knows each and every one and hears our prayers. If you happen to be a mom, you know exactly how hard it is to have your children all speaking to you at the same time, vying for attention. You may have even felt overwhelmed by it and raised your voice telling them one at a time. (Trust me, I did)
But, Our Lord is so awesome and amazing. He is able to not only hear our prayers but He is able to decipher which ones are important and which we can live without, which burdens are necessary in order for some other need to be filled.
The most perfect example of this is: Christ on the cross.
It is by far the most amazing thing, that God was able to see and hear His Son cry out to Him and still remain strong, still knowing that it was a necessary burden(Christ death) that must occur in order for another need (our salvation) to be filled.
If God can do all of these things at one time, then surely He is in control of all the things we see around us and perceive to be out of control. It is left to us to do one thing.....give it to Him. Remember the old saying : Let Go and Let God.
Well, it still has meaning. We too often, say God help me, take this from me. But, then we choose to hold on to it. We choose to continue to look at this burden over and over trying to find a way out. Instead of Letting Go and Letting God show you the way out. It may be right there in front of you but you can't see it. You just keep overlooking it, thinking that it can't possibly be the way you should go. Until you see that you have not let go, you will not be able to see it. If you never see it, then you will have taken it away from God and gone your own way. We know what happens when we go our own way. We see it all the time. People who are lost, alone and hurting. That lost, lonely person may be sitting right next to you in church on sunday but you might not see them hurting. Or that lost and lonely person may be you. But you're to stubborn or ashamed to admit it.
What we need to do in those situations is Let Go and Let God. If there is something that you are struggling with in your life right now..... Take a moment to reflect on what it is and what you have tried to do on your own to fix it. Take a moment to realize all the ways that you have tried to deal with this issue alone rather then giving it over to God. Take a moment and pray about it. Pray for the struggle you're dealing with but also pray to let go. Pray that God will give you a nudge every time you even think about taking it back upon yourself. You may not see it resolved before you eyes but, if you let Him have it, really let Him have it you will see it resolved. You will also find a peace in the letting go. How stressful our lives are when we try to control them ourselves. We are only human and therefore there is only so much that we can control.
Isn't it wonderful that we have a Awesome & Loving God who is in control and takes care of us in so many ways. Thank You Lord!
Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I give it to You!
Well, aside from the inarguable fact that this is true, unless you should meet your end before the actual end of the day. We hear it but do we believe it?
But, I'm thinking a little differently today. Yes, today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I need to make it count. As do each one of us. It is so easy to just give up hope. To become depressed and distraught over the events taking place around us. We have seen disasters such as the super storm Sandy that devistated so many people, in such a large portion of the country. Elections that don't go the way that we would want them to go. When you lose your job due to lay offs. When uneployment issues arise in your claim and cause delays.
I have been through a few of these things lately and yes it makes you want to say "When it rains, it pours". But, what I know that I need to remember, is that each of these things only happens for a moment. When you look at them on the great big scale of time. Things happening may seem to drag on for us. But for God it is but the blink of an eye. So, if we look at these things knowing that God is in control of all that is around us, in the bigger picture, than we can see a light at the end of the tunnel. It may be a long tunnel, but there is an end. We need to ask God to help us to reach that end and to show us what WE can do to make it there sooner. It seems that we always want to know WHY? But, sometimes it's not for us to know. Because we all live together on this great big blue marble they call Earth, our lives are intertwined. We may not be able to see it, but it's there. We don't know why we are in this place at the moment. We don't know what He is planning for us up ahead. We tend to only see what is happening around us and then wallow in it. Have you felt that you were unable to do anything to change your circumstances and therefore, just sort of given up?
The other day I was driving down the road and I felt the Lord speaking to me. At least I hope that was the Lord, lol. I was thinking about prayer and how each of us has something different to pray for. Whether it is for ourselves, family or friends...whether it is for help, wisdom or strength.... Whether it is for something in our neighborhood, in another state or even another country. I started to think about how we a like the sands on the beach, the stars in the sky; how he knows each and every one and hears our prayers. If you happen to be a mom, you know exactly how hard it is to have your children all speaking to you at the same time, vying for attention. You may have even felt overwhelmed by it and raised your voice telling them one at a time. (Trust me, I did)
But, Our Lord is so awesome and amazing. He is able to not only hear our prayers but He is able to decipher which ones are important and which we can live without, which burdens are necessary in order for some other need to be filled.
The most perfect example of this is: Christ on the cross.
It is by far the most amazing thing, that God was able to see and hear His Son cry out to Him and still remain strong, still knowing that it was a necessary burden(Christ death) that must occur in order for another need (our salvation) to be filled.
If God can do all of these things at one time, then surely He is in control of all the things we see around us and perceive to be out of control. It is left to us to do one thing.....give it to Him. Remember the old saying : Let Go and Let God.
Well, it still has meaning. We too often, say God help me, take this from me. But, then we choose to hold on to it. We choose to continue to look at this burden over and over trying to find a way out. Instead of Letting Go and Letting God show you the way out. It may be right there in front of you but you can't see it. You just keep overlooking it, thinking that it can't possibly be the way you should go. Until you see that you have not let go, you will not be able to see it. If you never see it, then you will have taken it away from God and gone your own way. We know what happens when we go our own way. We see it all the time. People who are lost, alone and hurting. That lost, lonely person may be sitting right next to you in church on sunday but you might not see them hurting. Or that lost and lonely person may be you. But you're to stubborn or ashamed to admit it.
What we need to do in those situations is Let Go and Let God. If there is something that you are struggling with in your life right now..... Take a moment to reflect on what it is and what you have tried to do on your own to fix it. Take a moment to realize all the ways that you have tried to deal with this issue alone rather then giving it over to God. Take a moment and pray about it. Pray for the struggle you're dealing with but also pray to let go. Pray that God will give you a nudge every time you even think about taking it back upon yourself. You may not see it resolved before you eyes but, if you let Him have it, really let Him have it you will see it resolved. You will also find a peace in the letting go. How stressful our lives are when we try to control them ourselves. We are only human and therefore there is only so much that we can control.
Isn't it wonderful that we have a Awesome & Loving God who is in control and takes care of us in so many ways. Thank You Lord!
Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I give it to You!
Monday, October 29, 2012
Well, today has been a very good day! I will have to say that it has been one of the best days that I've had in a long time. Not that there haven't been good days. There have. But, today has been a day filled with good things happening to good people. I took my EKG Tech final exam this morning. I studied for it of course, but yesterday I still was really on the fence about how I was going to do. So, I made sure to start the day off right and give it to the Lord. Had a nice little prayer time first thing in the AM and then I studied in my head on the drive to class along with some more prayer. Then when I sat down for the exam, I took a deep breath and just tried to remember that God was with me. And "If God is for me, who can be against me". Several times during the test when I started to feel myself start to get just the slighest bit anxious, I took a breath and reminded myself again.
**Sometimes you just have to do that. Remind yourself. It's so easy when those moments of
anxiousness creep about, that you need to catch it as soon as possible and drive it away.
After class I stopped in to see my caseworker at unemployment ( he is the one who got me into the Phlebotomy & EKG classes with the state) to pick up a gas check (they help out with the cost my gas to class because I have to drive from Murrells Inlet to Conway for school) I thought the check was only going to be for $16. but it turned out to be for $24. I had a half a tank of gas at the time so I wasnt too concerned. But, then on the way home I saw that the gas was down to $2.97 a gal, WHOA! So, I thought even though I still have half a tank, I'm filling up. Well, the car took $26 so my tank is full and it only cost me $2. Then when I got home, Art had gotten a special invitation ( I think because of working for the State Park, to go to Pirates Voyage for 2 for Free, It's like $52 for 2 people, includes the show and dinner, I've heard it's really cool. So, he called and made our reservations for Nov 11- Totally looking forward to that.
Then I called in my unemployment claim for the week and found out that they had put $64. in my acct. yippee, It's not much but it beats a stick in the eye, or an empty acct. So, that was a totally pleasant suprise.
So, all in all a very good day. :o)
Now, I have an interview tomorrow at Ross' at 4pm, I don't know how that will go. I would love to apply for some of the nanny jobs that are around here, having my CPR and medical background would help me I'm sure. But, I have one draw back, No backseat. When we moved out here, we needed extra room for packing and Art decided to just leave the backseat behind. I can't transport a child in the jeep without a backseat. I can't afford to get another vehicle because I don't have a steady job. Huh, sounds like a big circle to me!
** On a different note, I think I have found my new dream car.....Fiat 500 Pop !
It is soooo cool, let me tell you. Seats 4, cruise control, can't decide which one I like best the Azzuro Blue or the Rosso (Red), the Rame (Copper) or the Verde Olive (Olive Green). The Verde Chiaro ( Light Green) is nice too. Was thinking I wanted a Blue Car next but, The Red would look so cool with some black spots, just like a little Lady Bug. They make really cool eyelashes you can get for cars now. I know, I'm being a big baby but, how many more new cars are in the plans for the rest of my life?
I feel so bad, right at the moment, just found out that in the middle of my really good day, a dear friend just had a really crappy one....she got laid off at work. She's been there for almost a year and a half. So, Mr. Obama the unemployment rate is down you say. Well, we're not feeling it.
She will be on unemployment for a bit like me. She will also be in my prayers.
***Hey, for anyone who doesn't know it yet, and for those who do, I want to remind you.....I am always available for Prayer Requests. I am a Prayer Warrior and I will be there when and/or if you ever need me. ***
**Sometimes you just have to do that. Remind yourself. It's so easy when those moments of
anxiousness creep about, that you need to catch it as soon as possible and drive it away.
After class I stopped in to see my caseworker at unemployment ( he is the one who got me into the Phlebotomy & EKG classes with the state) to pick up a gas check (they help out with the cost my gas to class because I have to drive from Murrells Inlet to Conway for school) I thought the check was only going to be for $16. but it turned out to be for $24. I had a half a tank of gas at the time so I wasnt too concerned. But, then on the way home I saw that the gas was down to $2.97 a gal, WHOA! So, I thought even though I still have half a tank, I'm filling up. Well, the car took $26 so my tank is full and it only cost me $2. Then when I got home, Art had gotten a special invitation ( I think because of working for the State Park, to go to Pirates Voyage for 2 for Free, It's like $52 for 2 people, includes the show and dinner, I've heard it's really cool. So, he called and made our reservations for Nov 11- Totally looking forward to that.
Then I called in my unemployment claim for the week and found out that they had put $64. in my acct. yippee, It's not much but it beats a stick in the eye, or an empty acct. So, that was a totally pleasant suprise.
So, all in all a very good day. :o)
Now, I have an interview tomorrow at Ross' at 4pm, I don't know how that will go. I would love to apply for some of the nanny jobs that are around here, having my CPR and medical background would help me I'm sure. But, I have one draw back, No backseat. When we moved out here, we needed extra room for packing and Art decided to just leave the backseat behind. I can't transport a child in the jeep without a backseat. I can't afford to get another vehicle because I don't have a steady job. Huh, sounds like a big circle to me!
** On a different note, I think I have found my new dream car.....Fiat 500 Pop !
It is soooo cool, let me tell you. Seats 4, cruise control, can't decide which one I like best the Azzuro Blue or the Rosso (Red), the Rame (Copper) or the Verde Olive (Olive Green). The Verde Chiaro ( Light Green) is nice too. Was thinking I wanted a Blue Car next but, The Red would look so cool with some black spots, just like a little Lady Bug. They make really cool eyelashes you can get for cars now. I know, I'm being a big baby but, how many more new cars are in the plans for the rest of my life?
I feel so bad, right at the moment, just found out that in the middle of my really good day, a dear friend just had a really crappy one....she got laid off at work. She's been there for almost a year and a half. So, Mr. Obama the unemployment rate is down you say. Well, we're not feeling it.
She will be on unemployment for a bit like me. She will also be in my prayers.
***Hey, for anyone who doesn't know it yet, and for those who do, I want to remind you.....I am always available for Prayer Requests. I am a Prayer Warrior and I will be there when and/or if you ever need me. ***
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